By Phluck

Alright, asshole, here's how you make a goddamn sandwich.

First you get a bagel. That's right, a fucking bagel. Not some goddamn Wonder bread, motherfucker, a real fucking bagel. Then you toast it. That's right, you toast it. This isn't nursery school, motherfucker, this is a real sandwich, and your bagel needs toasting because it needs some extra goddamn crunch to it.

Now, you get some cheese. Not some goddamn cheese slices, what did you think this was, fucking Arby's? This is the real fucking deal. Slice that cheese yourself, asshole. Use a fucking knife, not that fancy ass cheese slicer your sister gave you for Christmas. She's a nice girl, but I'd swear she was fucking brain damaged when it comes to making a sandwich. As I was saying, slice that cheese properly, this is the real deal. You want big, thick slices. Use some goddamn mozzarella, motherfucker. What? Did you think I was gonna say swiss or some shit? Well, fuck, we use what we've got, and we've got mozzarella.
Now, get some slices of roast beef out of the fridge. No, put that goddamn turkey back. We use what we've got, but not if it's some motherfucking turkey. Go to the fucking 24-hour grocery store and get some roast beef. This is a sandwich, you fool, not a fucking trip to the park. We can compromise on the cheese, but not on the fucking beef.

Finally, you slather a hearty glob of mustard on the sandwich. For christsakes, put the fucking ketchup back in the fridge, you goddamn fairy, this isn't a salmon steak. Put that fucking mustard on there, it should be dijon, if you've got it, otherwise, we can compromise, but you'd better be looking into some better fucking mustard next time you're at the store. I'll be checking up on you. If you don't have the fucking dijon by next tuesday, so help me god I'll break one of your fingers.

It's ready to eat now, and you'd better eat the whole fucking thing, asshole. There's starving kids in Africa.